About

The Drunken Tomato

With reckless abandon, I travel the world drunkenly imbibing bloody marys from the darkest corner bars to the brightest outdoor cafes, in search of this magnificant cocktail.  I do this not so that I may gain the knowledge of but a fractional piece of the bloody mary pie, but rather, I do this so that my experiences can hopefully one day inspire you to continue on with this quest.  I understand it is the journey that fulfills us.  And for me, that journey lies within my epic crusade for the ultimate bloody mary.

Follow me @thedrunkentomat

The Celery Stalker

My dearest future Mrs. Celery Stalker (currently Miss Bloody Mary),

I want you to know how important you are to me.  Your flowing celery leaflets and glistening fruit juices drive me wild.  And I often lose myself just thinking about consuming your every last drop.   If you do not believe me, allow me to show you my shrine of the many high resolution pictures I have taken in your honor.  I also want you to know that I will always protect you from the evils of the world, such as bottled mixes and overwhelming horseradish. You will never have to fear such horrendous evils, as I am skilled in the fine art of celery spearing.

But every time we say goodbye I fear you will forget me.  Please know that I will never forget you.  From your barest form to your most elaborate dressings, every element you add to yourself is recorded in my mind, and I recall these images more frequently than you could imagine.  I want to know you, my dearest Bloody Mary.  I want to experience you in every corner of the world and maybe even take you to one of those risqué build your own bloody mary bars. Oh how delightfully sinful that would be!  But please understand this.  We are made for each other. Wherever you are, I will find you.  I will endlessly pursue you and you will be mine.  Don’t try and fight it.  I cherish your salty rim. And I wait for the day we can be together again.

Always yours,
The Celery Stalker

Follow my celery stalking adventures @celerystlkr

The Buzzed Assassin

You think you see motion out of the corner of your eye, but by then it is too late.  The cocktail glass is empty, and the Buzzed Assassin has struck again.  Wherever there is a delicious cocktail or spirit to be had, the Buzzed Assassin lurks.  From the diviest of dives to the cleanest and most well lit business lounge, no libation is safe when it is brought to his attention.  Bloody Marys of the world beware, for the Drunken Tomato has taken a contract out on you, and where she points, the Assassin and his razor sharp and efficient liver will strike home.  Always.

Follow the Assassin on twitter: @buzzedassassin